Are you a Withdrawer or a Pursuer?
Are you asking yourself:
“Why, despite caring for one another, do we no longer seem to be able to get along?”
Perhaps deep down there is still great caring, even love, and a yearning on both your parts to be understood and acknowledged and appreciated by your partner but you have gotten so stuck in an endless negative feedback loop that you just don’t know how to stop the hurt and turn things around on your own.
And you are exhausted trying...
One of the first things I will help you with is understanding your and your partner’s attachment styles.
In relationships there are two attachment styles that can cause relationship to disconnect: The Withdrawer and The Pursuer
What type are you and your partner and what's the solution?
The Withdrawer
If in your relationship you often feel:
- Pressured
- Inadequate
- Afraid of failing
- Confused
- Overwhelmed
- Numb
- Frozen
- Empty
- Judged
- Criticized
- Defensive
And you think to yourself:
“I just can’t seem to get it right”
“I always seem to do something wrong even when I am trying my best to do it right”
“I’m not enough - my partner always wants more”
“Doing things is how I show my love”
“I’m always walking on eggshells in this relationship”
“I pull away when things get stressful”
“Whenever I speak I just get jumped on and it only makes things worse so I’ll stay quiet”
“I’m asking myself why bother anymore if I can’t get anything right?”
“I’m tired of failing”
“I don’t want to rock the boat so until thing quiet down I’ll stay away and resurface when things are calmer”
“Why does my partner always prod, pressure, complain, attack me?!”
“Why does my partner always ask ‘Where ARE you?’ when I am right here?”
“I don’t even know what I feel or want anymore!”
“I feel so stuck and my love is not getting through and I don’t know how to change it”
“Nothing is ever enough- more is always demanded of me”
“I feel the stress is starting to make me feel sick”
“I feel I am doing all the work and although deep down I still feel love for my partner I am afraid I am beginning to wonder if I can do this any longer, it’s just too painful”
If the above sounds like you, you are the Withdrawer.
The Pursuer
In your relationships do you often feel:
- Hurt
- Alone
- Isolated
- Not Important
- Your needs will never be met
- Invisible
- Abandoned
- Deprived
- Desperate
And you think to yourself:
“I’ve tried everything to get my partner to connect with me”
“I find myself asking and explaining my needs again and again, then yelling and crying (unsuccessfully) to get heard”
“Any response is better than no response”
“I wish my partner would look me in the eyes when we talk”
“I can’t compete with my partner’s cell/TV/computer”
“I keep saying we need to talk and connect but get avoided”
“I feel like I have to do everything alone and take care of things myself”
“All I am asking for is some affirming signs that I am cared about”
“Why does my partner always shut down, freeze up, hide, intellectualize emotions, or instead of listening to my feelings tries to fix and solve?!”
“I feel I am doing all the work and although I do deep down still feel love for my partner I am afraid I am beginning to wonder if I can do this any longer, it’s just too painful”
If the above sounds like you, you are the Pursuer.
Both Withdrawer and Pursuer
Do both sound familiar? It's possible to be a mix of both attachment styles. You may have an anxious-avoidant attachment style where you alternatively pull someone in and then push them away when they get too close.
The Solution
There is so much more happiness for you which will come with greater knowledge!
Would it be helpful to have me guide you to deeper understanding of why you and your partner are having issues and give you a step by step path out of your relationship’s painful impasse?
If this little quiz gave you a new lens through which to see your attachment style and how you and your partner are misconnecting creating relationship struggles, I also want to point out that what you are feeling can be quite normal and with the right therapist and methods, very solvable.
I help partners who fear they are ‘beyond help’ every single day with great success, so perhaps let a little Hope spark in your hearts, contact me for your initial appointment and let’s get you going towards the path to your Happy-ever-after.
(Note: Credit to P Stacey and S Johnson for founding EFT Therapy principles and terms.)